| My second semester of grad school is over with! I haven't gotten all my grades in yet. So far, I've got a B in Developmental and a B in Assessment I. I was really surprised and happy about my Developmental grade. I had a D in that class at midterm, but through a lot of hard work and a lot of times where I wanted to do nothing but pull out my hair, I pulled up my grade a lot. I was so happy when I saw my grade that I proudly announced that I got a B in that class. I'm a little concerned about my Statistics class, but I'll have to wait and see how that goes. Unless I really blew my last few assignments, I should have (Inshallah) a B or a B+ in Theories. This has been one of the hardest semesters ever for me. It wasn't because of the coarsework, because Organic was sooooo much harder. It was the amount of total work, and the fact that what I'm doing has a profound impact on other people. While I was in undergrad, my work affected me. Whether I did good or bad on something affected me only. Now, I'm working with real people with real problems....if I screw up and incorrectly implement a treatment someone else is affected by that....someone else could suffer if I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and that's a huge burden. I've heard and seen some bad things....I've seen some and heard some things that made me want to just cry. I see now why in Ethics we were told about being careful about not getting too close. It's tough, but I've had to develop a shell. Still, it saddens me to see some of the things I see....and some of the things I'll continue to see. People don't go to therapists because their lives are perfect and wonderful.....people go to therapists because they have something in their lives that they want to change. I hope to make a difference in many people's lives, but I'm not naive enough to think that what I do will make the world this utopic place. Things aren't perfect...they never will be....and to realize that life's shittier then I could've ever imagined made this semester that much harder for me. That being said, this semester has also been a very rewarding. I've learned and I've grown. I think I have a lot more patience now then I did at this point last year. I'm quite capable of having one of my famous Carla outbursts, but I have them less frequently then I did before. I've tried to become a lot more meek and modest, a lot more willing to listen and empathesize, and a lot more willing to accept my fate and my place in life. I've been doing an okay job....not perfect, but I damn sure have made a lot of improvements since my days at Shorter. I've had to make a lot of tough moral decisions, especially when it came down to hanging out with my classmates. I made a decision almost two years ago to give up all alcohol, including alcohol as an ingrediant. My classmates, who have made no such decision like to go out for a few drinks at bars and pubs. As a result, I've made myself the odd one out and have spent many days and nights alone. I've struggled with that and decided it's better for me to be by myself then to give up on my religious beliefs. Speaking of which, that's something that I've struggled long and hard with this year and spent many, many hours in prayer. By this point, all my family and my friends who live in this area know the truth. The truth is simply, I do not believe in Christianity....I never did. I went to church for years hoping that one day I'd hear that sermon where everything would become crystal clear....it never did. I applied for only Christian colleges in undergrad hoping that maybe if I surrounded myself with Christians that I'd believe. That did not happen....in fact, with the behavior that I saw there from so-called Christians, I realized I wanted nothing to do with that. I went into Shorter wanting so much to be a part of the Christian community and left with a feeling that not only was it not my fate to be a part of the Christian community but honestly I didn't want to ever step foot inside a church again, see a Bible, or hear another stupid church hymn. I was beyond angry about what happened. I was beyond angry that I was treated like I was unworthy of being in the company of certain people....that I was some kind of horrible sinner. I heard the things said about me and my friends, and it sickened me.....and it sickened me that those same people could act friendly to my face. I'm still pretty mad about the fact that my undergrad years were not happy times overall, but I've calmed down. I've accepted that it was a part of God's will. I think that in part because I went to Shorter to be convinced that Christianity is the right religion, God was determined to show me that no, it's not. Since high school I've struggled with the feeling that I should convert to Islam. The more I learned about Islam, the more I felt that it was the truth. Still because my family and my friends are either Christians or at least of Christian backgrounds, I knew that the consequences of such a decision could be dire. While a few of my friends knew, most did not before this year. Empowered by the fact that I am now in the position to get others to take control of their lives, I've decided to tell my family the news that I want to be a muslim. Luckily while everyone is quite puzzled with my religious beliefs, they haven't rejected me. I've met a muslim lady at school, and she's agreed to introduce me to other muslim women. Inshallah, by the end of this summer, I'll say the Shahadah and become an official part of the muslim community. Anyhow, that's it....I've been busy with a lot of changing and a lot of growing this year. I have summer school coming up. In the fall I start of my Thesis. I was unable to start on it this summer like I would've liked, so instead of graduating next spring, I'll be in school at least through next summer. However, I'll be finished with my coarsework next spring, so I'll be able to get a job (or look for one) while I finish up my Thesis. |
